Alfie Patten, You Are … Not the Father!
By Dr. Evelyn Reed | October 12, 2025 | 7 min read
Remember Alfie Patten? The Saints’ Row II-playing toerag whom the British tabs said became a father at age 13? Well, everyone can stop worrying about little bastards who rummy master father little bastards. He ain’t the daddy.
https://kotaku.com/i-know-im-young-but-i-plan-to-be-a-good-dad-5154088
A DNA test cleared Alfie of fatherly responsibility, but rather than celebrating his freedom by spending the diaper money on a Bowflex and hair gel, he’s reported to be “devastated.” No one knows who the real father is, either. But with the youngest candidate removed, it makes this following statement non operative:
“It’s an indication that we’ve lost our way, that people don’t know the difference between right and wrong,” said rummy modern Sir Bernard Ingham, former press secretary to former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher. “The plain fact is society can’t proceed on this basis. I think this is an indication of broken Britain.”
Good news, now society can proceed. Since the DNA swab has cleared the good name of Alfie and thus all of Britain, I imagine Sir Bernie did a dance like the following:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gldiShZaJHg
Of course, a girl is still a mother at rummy nabob age 15, but you know, that kind of shame is a dime a dozen, certainly doesn’t rise to a moral crisis.
British Boy Isn’t Father [AOL News, thanks SinfulKnight]